TW: sexual violence and domestic violence
In the spring of 2016,
I was setting off to Spain, and a few months before I left, I matched with X on tinder. He was my first real relationship, and there were so many red flags I didn’t even know to look for, and because he love bombed me, and gave me the attention I was always seeking but never received growing up with 9 siblings, I fell in what I thought was love at the time.
During my time in Spain, his mental health started to deteriorate, and he was medically discharged from the service. His substance abuse continued, he became more ill, the empath in me felt that I could help him.
My personal relationships deteriorated as he continued to isolate me from my loved ones, and with his social anxiety and new diagnoses, I gave myself and others more excuses for his abusive behavior.
He mentally, emotionally, financially, and s*xually abused me. He triggered my deepest humiliation wounds, and put my nervous system into a permanent flight or fight mode.
I tried to break up with him, and he threatened to h*rm himself if I went through with it. Finally, when I was decided to break up with him, he was B*ker Acted again, and that’s when the cyberstalking started. I changed my phone number, and received messages from my friends around the world that were being contacted by him, trying to get a hold of me.
After some time, things died down. But every year, he did something to scare me, and it also showed how much more sick he got. He sent a chilling letter to my dad’s office addressed to me, and it was far from lucid.
I had always wanted to give back to the PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder) cause, and when I decided to create a social venture for it, there was something always holding me back. I did however, push myself to get something started, and thanks to Action Accelerator’s Hackathon, I founded “period” in 2020.
I was living in Scotland at the time, and I became a part of the IAPMD’s (International Association for Premenstrual Disorders) Patient Insight Panel. We answered a series of surveys for research on PMDD, and one week, the theme was trauma and PMDD. It was in answering these questions, that I realized my PMDD was triggered, and linked to, the s*xual abuse I had endured in my past relationship with X, which I never acknowledged before in my conscious mind.
I felt an overwhelm of emotions, and coming to terms with the fact that I was r*ped was one of the most difficult things to process in my life.
I had to find a more supportive place for healing, and then I ended up in Bali for 5 months. I started gaining weight since I uncovered the truth of my past. My mind caught up with my body, and it didn’t feel safe being present in my body anymore. It didn’t feel safe receiving sexual attention from men.
I was so uncomfortable in my body, the energies of Bali were intense, and I was at the same time, making connections with people that would hold the keys to ancient practices that helped the healing of my premenstrual and menstrual disorders.
When I went for my European travels in the fall of 2022, I finally decided to offer coaching services at “period”, and share more of my personal story with PMDD, as I was building up the courage through my Functional Medicine coaching program. I had one client sign up for a free connection call, and then, the second connection call that was automatically booked was from X.
I was horrified. I had no clue as to what to do. I tried looking up support for cyber stalking, but unfortunately there weren’t many resources available to me being abroad.
So, I stopped pursuing “period” for the time being, while I finished my studies, and decided to get a restraining order against X once I arrived back in the US.
When I was living in Cuba in April 2023, I got fired from 3 companies I started, left with zero equity, and I knew that everything happening was for the universe to make space for “period” to be front and center in my life.
I experienced some resistance when preparing for the re-launch of “period” because I came to the realization that I was subconsciously not making “period” a priority in the past, because I was still scared to death of X having access to me again… Access to my story. Access to the business my soul was meant to run.
Fast forward to present time, I’m back in the US, proceeding with the restraining order papers, and I receive now, countless communications from X, via booking free connection calls with me for health coaching, emailing “period” about a son we never had, emailing “period” about a wanting to work for us, and at the same time claiming he already worked with us. It was so outrageous, and sometimes I laughed, but other times, I cried. I cried a lot. I experienced this high wave of frustration and rage.
I didn’t want X to continue to block me from pursuing my life’s purpose, and throughout this whole experience, I was in fear. I kept falling backwards, deeper and deeper into my shadows and in my darkness. I put on a happy face for those around me, and I wasn’t always holding enough space for myself.
It wasn’t until a few days ago that I realized, with the help of some of my beautiful friends, that there will always be light and darkness in life, and that we have to use love to dissipate the fear.
Love and fear are really the only two elements we have in life.
And today, I came to the realization, that the key to life is to remove the fear, so you can sit with the darkness beside you, but not to become trapped in it. And with lightness, you can let it float around you, but it has to be filled with love, in order for you to absorb it- in order for you to radiate it. In order for others to recognize the light inside of yourself.
When I went to the second hearing for the restraining order, I didn’t think anything was going to be resolved. I went by myself this time, without my brother, without any protection, because I knew X’s papers weren’t served, so I didn’t think much could happen at this point. I thought I would get another hearing date, but then, as unprepared as I was, I sat there pleaded my case, and watched the judge tell me that my permanent injunction was granted on the grounds of stalking.
Everything happened quite quickly, and then, afterwards, I felt like all of the blockages that have been pressing me down, putting literal pressure on my uterus, was lifted. Driving home, I blasted music with the windows down, and started processing what just happened. Memories from my relationship with X popped in my mind, and for the first time in my life, I didn’t twinge, I didn’t run away from them, I didn’t blame myself, I didn’t push hate onto myself for being so stupid, so naive to be in such an abusive relationship. I was able to look back on those memories, and appreciate myself. Love myself. Be so damn proud of the person I am to endure all of that trauma, and live to tell the story. I finally, finally detached from my pain and my suffering. And the only thing that’s left now is wisdom. The only thing that is left for X is love and gratitude.
I’ve learned through this heart-wrenching, and excruciating 8 years, that you cannot get rid of your problems through more fear and more hate. You have to learn to love and forgive your worst enemies, in order to move on, and let go of them. Even when it’s extremely difficult. I wouldn’t advise to call yourself a victim, because then, subconsciously and consciously, you give them the power to ruin your life. To regain your power means that you have to show yourself the compassion that your mind, body and soul have always needed in order to move on from the experience, and to transform the hurt and fear into unbounded love.
I’m writing this, feeling so grateful for the universe, for God, for whatever you want to call this greater being. I didn’t know I could ever get out of this, and today, I didn’t just reclaim my power, but I became a higher, more aligned and authentic version of myself. Finally freed.
My PMDD has brought me so many incredibly hard challenges, but it was also the experience of having PMDD that brought me to my life’s purpose of helping heal the world, one period at a time.